Richard’s post “Advice to a friend with critical illness” inspired me to think about advice to the person who provides support and care to the friend/family member with life-limiting illness. Let me take myself as a starting point. I ask what advice should I give myself in this situation with a spouse with life-limiting illness. Here’s what I think – it’s about attitude, meaning-making, self-care and it’s dynamic (interacting) over time.
- Be hopeful and be realistic. Critical or life-limiting illness is manageable and there are medical breakthroughs happening all the time. The collective intelligence of the world can be tapped into. Take a slow deep breath and remember the resiliency of mind, body, and spirit.
- Take extra good care of you. Eat well, exercise, sleep enough, and see doctors for regular checkups. For some — myself included — it’s too easy to postpone indefinitely. Bad idea because you’re needed. Remember what flight crews tell us about putting on your oxygen mask before helping the child sitting next to you. Well maybe this is taking a leap or stretching my point but you get it, right?
- Consider getting help if the psychological stress is too much. There are well qualified psychologists and counselors available.
- Consider integrative medicine practices such as meditation, yoga, or acupuncture. Remember that all the time — but particularly when we are angry, afraid, lonely, and depressed — that the mind AND body are connected and communicating. Take a slow deep breath and do something new.
- Make every minute count. Don’t take anything for granted. Experience love of others and the world. Live as fully as possible in the now (present). This is my “secret” coping style because that’s the time I have with Richard.
- Remember that you are not alone with your experience. It may not be a consolation but there are countless other friends, spouses, parents, siblings who are support and care for someone with life-limiting illness. Consider joining a support group for caregivers.
Well, I never considered myself to be an advice giver. As a psychologist, I was trained to avoid that role and help others find their own questions and answers. I make this exception: please take my advice. 
~ Suzanne
